Vikki: So it takes a lot of courage to put your heart out into the world. And out into the world could just be at your daily career job. But as our life has changed so quickly, and lots of people are doing podcasts and social media and all of that, anybody that chooses to authentically put their heart out into the world, that's a courageous act. And I believe that's what we're all called to do. I can tell you my greatest fear of sharing my heart with other people for the longest time was rejection. So I kept the farm very quiet. It was only word of mouth to like-minded people who were my people because I was so terrified of rejection. And I will still say that is one of my childhood wounds, that I can end up in the corner in a fetal position quickly, is to be misunderstood or to be rejected. And that cannot be the reason that I don't connect with what's inside of me and share that with others. So everything I offer is spiritual. That's the only way I know how to say it. And words trigger people. What a word means to me if I use it is not going to be how other people interpret it. And that cannot be the reason…
Amanda: …that you silence yourself.
Vikki: Silenced. That cannot be the reason I silence myself. Because if I silence myself, a little piece of me will die. I absolutely know that. So when I started out on my journey, a lot of local people know, not a lot of podcast people know, I grew up in the South and I grew up in religion. I grew up in all those trigger words and I grew up in a lot of dogma. That was all I knew. And I also, as I got older, knew that that was not what I believed. What people said on Sunday morning and how I saw people treat other people were not in alignment. And I cared more, even as a little girl, about loving people. I grew up in the South in the 70s. It was still segregated for the most part back then. And so, I don't know, at an early age, I think I became, as I became a teen and then in my 20s, I think I became angry. And slowly, I came to a place where I was, “none of this shit works for me anymore”... I don't believe any of it. I'm not going to church. I'm not reading the Bible. I'm walking away from everything, including God. And I think that's when I got heavy into my addiction. And then as I started years later in a recovery path, I walked into the rooms of AA and NAA, they said, “God as you understand God”... and I'd never heard that before. I was like, wait, there's freedom in this? I thought there's only one way or you burn in hell. People are like, oh no…”God as you understand God…wherever you are.” And that started giving me permission to be free about what I believed spiritually. And you know, I walked into the rooms of AA when I was 18, 19 years old. I'm 58 years old now. And although I don't go to meetings anymore, it had a huge impact on my life. And so I started giving myself permission to go on a spiritual journey of what was true for me… not what anybody else told me, not what I read, not what some man in charge said. But I started going out on a journey of what was true for me. And it really did start with the basics of kindness and humbleness towards other people, which included myself. And that became my spiritual journey of coming back home to a God, as I understand God, that is true for me. And so now at the farm, everything I do is rooted in freedom to allow people to find their own way of whatever the Creator, the Infinite, the Source, God, Jesus, Christ, whatever works for you I want you to find because that is what was placed in your heart. With that, we use words to communicate, consonants and vowels, we use words to communicate. And words can be a trigger. So we're going to come full circle now. Words can be a trigger. And so I know when I'm sharing God with just love and creativity and in everything and all encompassing and all included in so many things to me, I realize how that can be misunderstood and I can be rejected. And that cannot be a reason why I don't stay on my path and stay connected and true to what God is in my life. And so it's less talking about it, even though we're actually talking about it today and more actually being the characteristics that I believe is in God. It's the character.
Amanda: So it's the feeling. It's not the word for you. When you say the word, it's all those feelings wrapped up into the word. For me, I love “the universe”, “the source.” I easily know when I'm speaking with you or you're talking to me and you use the word God that I easily can translate that in my heart because I know you and I know that you're always very careful about that disclaimer of, “hey, I use these words. They may not be your words. Use whatever words feel right for you.” And I love that word freedom. I love, love, love that word freedom because that's exactly what you have at the farm. You have complete spiritual freedom.
Vikki: Yeah, that's what brought me back home to everything. And so I just want to have a place where people can find their own way. It would be arrogant of me to think that I have what other people need. And so it's really given people that freedom. And with that, I stay true to what's right for me. So if you come to a gathering at the farm, we always pray beforehand. I lift up an offering, you know, for me, that's what feels right to actually just acknowledge the gift of the moment and the people that are gathered there.
Amanda: And it grounds us all?
Vikki: It's just this, it's all this, it's all an offering. It's all this sacred offering that is just sharing my heart with other people. And what is deepest in my heart is the creation, the source, the infinite God. And so I use that freely. There's no agenda underneath it, like I'm saying this so you will believe like me, or this prayer is to persuade you or guilt you or something. It's like, oh God, no, you start coming to the farm and you see, “oh, that's her rhythm. She's doing her thing.” And in doing that, I give you space to do your thing.
08:50
Amanda: You so do. I was just going to say that. And in turn I get the space to be who I am and to think the way I want to think and to feel the way I want to feel.
Vikki: Hell yes. That's why you're here. It's like, isn't it so interesting that whatever time we come into this life with whatever gifts, with whatever personalities, with whatever parents, experiences, it just goes on and on and on…that we think that we're supposed to give something other than what we actually are.
Amanda: Well, I think it comes down to we didn't feel enough. We didn't feel like we're enough to be who we are. We have to layer on some outside things to hide. And so it's just about coming home to yourself and just being who we are.
Vikki: Yeah. Yeah. And when I think of that, it's coming home to my heart. It's coming home to my spirit. It's coming home to the creator that lives inside of me. It's coming home to some different things. It's not just like coming home to myself and my ego and my fears and my demands and all of those things. It's a deeper vibration of “I want to actually share everything that I am as an offering to God into life.” So in order to do that, I have to always be on a constant journey because it's unfolding, it's becoming, it's changing, it always is, of staying connected to that place within me so that I can share that outwardly. And I think so many of us are taught, first of all…that's a foreign concept. What we share is our education or whatever.
Amanda: Our accomplishments.
Vikki: Our accomplishments, whatever, these external things. And yes, maybe, I mean, your time, your treasure, and your, forget what the other T was, it was some slogan that you share. Your time, your treasure, and your type.
Amanda: Really?
Vikki: Yes, yes, that you share. And it's like…God, that seems so transactional, so dutiful. It's like if you, I don't know, it's always…again, Rob Bell says, it’s the thing underneath the thing. And then again, for me, that's through a lens of recovery. It's like, there's so much energy underneath what's really going on.
Amanda: For sure.
Vikki: And when you can connect with that, it's like there is no agenda or arrogance. You know, I hope, I pray when you come to the farm that your answers lie outside of you. It's “no sweetheart. You have everything you need inside of you. And the whole reason to come out here is it's slow out here. There's a different pace. There's a different rhythm. There's no phones and interwebs and a lot of that stuff.” And you slow it down. And when you can slow it down, what is inside of you rises up. And only you can give yourself permission to experience that. Nobody else can.
12:15
Amanda: When I first came out to the farm, I came for something. I came for somebody else to give me something because I was looking for it.
Vikki: We're taught that.
Amanda: Yeah, and that is not what I got. I got something so much bigger, so much bigger, because it is, it lives within you.
Vikki: Yeah, it does. And it...again, you have to watch your mind. It doesn't mean that we don't need guidance and wisdom and all these other things. I have so many women that pour into me and I'm very upfront about that. It's the connection of all of us. And after I have guidance and wisdom and all these beautiful things given to me, the most important part, I get still. I turn the volume down on my mind. And I turn the volume up on my heart. And for me, I say, “God, what do you wanna do with this in me? I want to get in alignment and get in the flow of what you want to do in me and through me and with me and what I actually bring forth and share with the world.”
Amanda: I love that. And I think we need to do a deeper dive into stillness on our next episode.
Vikki: Let's do it, man. That's the one thing people usually put on the brakes.
Amanda: Nobody got time for that.
Vikki: Nobody got no time for stillness. And it's like, okay. But for those of us that are longing for a deeper way and what we're doing is not working, come back and join us and we'll talk about stillness.
Amanda: Let's do it. Love you, Vikki.
Vikki: Love you too.
13:58 END
